Modern Mottoes: War Chic

Dolce et Gabbana pro patria mori.

Technobile

I take my revenge on all the inkjet printers in my grubby past here.

Small Intestine Investor

The latest edition of Small Intestine Investor magazine (sadly not available on any web) has a fascinating article about stocks in spamming companies.

Not only are savvy investors piling into companies that send out emails telling people to invest in penny stocks, there are even new portfolio investment vehicles that let you take a position in "the spam of the spam".

This one really is a winer.

Next month Small Intestine Investor announces the recipient of its annual "Canned Meat Festival" award, rumored to be going to the team of junk mail junkies responsible for last winter's classic "This o\/er the counter sock is undre my radar NAME HERE" missive.

Line for found poem

With one hand they cover up the sky.

from China (BBC2)

World Cup Live Scones

Have you enjoyed getting live scones from the World Cup direct to your desktop PC, mobile phone or set-top fish tank?

If so, you may want to sign up for our new online Wimbledon strawberries! These delicious e-strawberries will be available for download soon.

Pity Mr Sprüngli

The wonder chocolate known universally as Lindt is, to be strictly accurate, actually made by Lindt & Sprüngli. So who was Mr Sprüngli?

It seems that Rudolf Sprüngli got into the choc business first in Zurich, his family later taking over the factory of Rodolphe Lindt in Berne. (There was a later bust-up, with an illegal Lindt company trading on its own until it was "liquidated" in 1928.) But hey - you can catch up with the rest of Lindt's history at its informative website. Key quotes include:

"Between 1920 and 1945 the firm had to face almost unimaginable challenges"

"After the war, demand exploded first within the home market and later abroad"

and

"Due to the meteoric growth of the Lindt Group of companies, the Group’s structure was redesigned and a Kilchberg-based holding company was formed in 1994 whereby all the companies became wholly-owned subsidiaries of 'Chocoladefabriken Lindt & Sprüngli AG'. The former parent and manufactoring company in Kilchberg thus was renamed 'Chocoladefabriken Lindt & Sprüngli (Schweiz) AG'"

Interestingly, Rudolf-with-an-eff was clean-shaven, while Rudolphe-with-a-pee-aitch had a moustache.

Job Ad Jargon

Here's the first part of my handy guide to job ad jargon. I hope you find it useful!

"You are a highly motivated self-starter": We have no idea what this role entails.

"£ NEG": Negligible payment

"Must have XML/UML": ... and believe that they are the same thing.

"Some travel required": We have no offices.

"A fantastic opportunity to move to the next level": ...downwards.

Goodbye, Long Falcon

Synopsis:

Private detective Bertie Simms is hired to drop a small rock from the roof of the Bradbury building. When it lands on the head of LAPD commissioner Prescott Lamplighter, Simms realizes he has been framed for the murder of Gnat "Gnegligible" Smolfins, a suburban hoodlum who controls the olive oil supply from the Owens Valley. On the run from the cops, the feds and the fops, Simms seeks refuge in a Santa Monica church. There he discovers a Nazi-backed plot to drill into the sea bed beneath the pier, drain the ocean and sell the new real estate to people from the mid-west.

Interstitial Power

Scientists have discovered a means of harnessing the power latent in interstitial ads - the blink-and-you-miss-'em commercials that savvy website operators use to snare twenty-first century eyeballs.

Each blipvert releases a tiny amount of energy that is usually lost to the environment, thus contributing to global warming. But by inserting a tiny gold wire in each web page, and linking the wires up to a sophisticated global network, scientists at MIT have managed to aggregate the wasted power and direct it to the benefit of human kind.

A public demonstration of the new technology showed 98 million separate "browsing instantiations" generating a respectable 1.2 volts for a duration of eight seconds, and lighting a small flashlight bulb.

The latest subliminal ads for a well-known restaurant chain are the first commercials to come pre-laced with the energy-collecting wires. It's claimed the new worldwide "I'm shovin' it" campaign will directly offset the environmental impact of 17 trillion fries.

The Uninflected Rage of Davina Belpaese

A new print of Wim Flinsky's arthouse classic was unveiled today at the prestigious Balhambra cinemateque in south London.

The new print was made possible by a cash injection from the UK National Lottery, with matching funds supplied by EuroKultur.

Film buffs are now launching a new appeal, aimed at raising enough to thread the new print onto the Balhambra's projector.

Mr Thoughtful

International Trusted Rug Convention Signed

Leaders of the free world met in Geneva today to ratify the Convention on Trusted Rugs following five years of often bitter acrimony, horsetrading and deceit.

The convention ensures that, for the first time in history, every rug woven in any of the signatory countries is produced without recourse to violence.

A new logo was also unveiled. Rug users will be able to check qualifying floorcoverings for the distinctive "bee and nut" logo before finalising their purchase transactions.

The world leaders, assembled for the traditional end-of-conference group karaoke session, refused to comment on rumors that non-compliant rugs will now be withdrawn from all horizontal surfaces found to be harboring them.

"We will not be pulling any rugs," said Fredonian premier Tony Blair. "We'd have to raise tacks first."

Nanagement

A new, softer and more caring approach to management is quickly gaining ground amongst alternative business gurus. Owing more to family favorite Nanny McPhee than traditional business thinkers such as Pad Mai Fee, the fresh science of nanagement promises to raise productivity and put a smile back on the teary faces of today's information workers.

Nanagement practitioners work one-on-one with employees to help them reach the so-called "nanny state" - a blissed-out yet totally focused "zone" of "natural effectiveness" and "quotation marks". Trainees learn how to trigger the state themselves, using simple everyday objects such as blankets and rice pudding.

Studies emerging from a poorly lagged thinktank suggest that nanagement may be more effective in alleviating unhappiness, uncertainty and boredom than more mainstream solutions such as medication, cognitive behavioral therapy and threats.

However, not everyone is convinced at the rise and rise of nanagement. A school of dissidents calling themselves "Theory Eggs Over Why" are pushing an alternative approach known simply as nagging.

"We find that nagging is just as effective as nannying in controlled tests," said a spokesperson for the group. "Our new, lightweight, n-agile (TM) method makes nagging accessible to everyone who wants to give it a whirl in the workplace."

Meanwhile, holistic consultants are working on a high-level portable synthesis of the competing methods, currently dubbed no-no-nano-nagile-nanagement.

Pathe-tique

Can't Pathe - a company with an illustrious history - come up with anything better than its current ident? It looks like it's made out of cardboard and wire coat hangers. No expense spent, and all that.

Alternative Headline Generation Exercise

First, this wonderful story of a food technology breakthrough, with the title bestowed by Political Gateway. Then, we'll see if we can come up with any alternative headlines...

==

Lawn-mowing accident leads to new pizza

DES MOINES, Iowa, June 13 (UPI) -- In a strange turn of events, a Des Moines, Iowa, radio personality reportedly has invented no-dough pizzas, an idea spawned from a lawn-mowing accident.

The Des Moines Register said WHO's Van Harden came up with the idea of making his pizza crusts from a cheese base after losing his desire for bread.

Two years ago, Harden got one of his feet stuck in a lawn mower and after his hospital stay he found himself without an appetite for bread, the newspaper said.

The Register said Harden's change in appetite may somehow have been due to difficulties doctors ran into when attempting to wake him from anesthesia after his surgery.
"The doctors can't explain it," Harden told the Register.

Two Hy-Vee stores in Des Moines sold 221 of his new pizzas with their cheese-based crust over the weekend, with the product soon making its way into a dozen other Iowa stores.

The 12-inch pies cost $8 apiece and have been described as perfect for individuals who are gluten intolerant or on Atkins diets, the Register said.

Political Gateway's "Jockstrip" column, 14 June 2006.

==

Suggested alternatives:

Des Moines Man Loses Desire

Link Between Lawnmower Accidents And Innovation Proven

Doctors Puzzle Over Post Traumatic Dough Aversion

"Radio Personality" Syndrome Untreatable Say Iowa Doctors

...actually, the possibilities are endless.

The Crook-eating Car

"Within the next month, Prince George’s police plan to start using 'bait cars' — ordinary-looking vehicles that entice thieves to break in and then hold them captive inside."
The Gazette, Maryland, 25 May 2006

My advice to would-be car thieves is to look carefully through the driver's side window. Is there a great big shiny hook sticking up through the upholstery? Then maybe you want to think about moving on.

Big Idea: SpareChangeSat

Human beings in western nations each drop an average of two pennies on the ground every day of the year. But only 50% of people stoop to pick up their fallen change. That means that in the UK alone, some sixty million pence, or £600,000, is lost to the nation's gutters every twenty four hours. To put that in perspective, it's enough to fund three hospital beds (with sheets) or one royal yacht (without sheets).

Most of the world's lost change remains inaccessible to even the most modern technology. Global companies with the engineering muscle to find oil in the unlikeliest places are defeated by the change exploitation problem, throwing their hands up in defeat and avoiding direct eye contact.

That's where SpareChangeSat comes in. A network of satellites engirdling the globe use pin-sharp optical imaging and shape recognition algorithms to spot coins on the surface of the earth, "tag" them, and alert subscribers to their locations. For a small annual fee (which works out at about £5 per day), customers can receive text messages to their mobile phones telling them where the nearest penny is to be found. It's then a question of "first come, first served".

The company behind SpareChangeSat, Sequinator Industries of Lidchester, UK, has vowed to donate a proportion of operating profits to the funding of a gigantic polysterene cup to be placed at the mouth of the Thames. This monument to inward investment is intended to show a more flexible attitude to European business, balancing the much-loved Land's End "Open Legs" statue facing America.

Google Buys Famed London Street

The web's premier search engine - and world's grooviest brand - today announced its long-awaited transition to the physical world with the purchase of a street in central London. Goodge Street will be renamed Google Street in a typically low-key ceremony on July 1st.

"Goodge already contains 83 per cent of the letters it needs to become Google," said a company spokesperson. "We share so much DNA with Goodge Street that it's hard not to believe we are already related somewhere along the line."

Commentators are confused about the search king's surprise move, citing "poor fit" between the online behemoth's world-straddling operations and the west end artery. But storeowners along the popular boulevard are already equipping their windows with hyperlinks ahead of the formal rebranding.

"This shows that London is a truly global city that exists in cyberspace as well as in my mind," said mayor Ken Livingstone.

Rumors that eBay is poised to buy the nearby British Museum were dismissed by company officers today. "We already own all the world's oceans," said a spokesperson, "and we're still digesting them."

How Quotations Evolve

I would say to Radio 1, “Do you realise some of the stuff you play on Saturday nights encourages people to carry guns and knives?”
- David "Dave" Cameron, Conservative Party leader, June 2006.

I would say to Radio 1, “Do you realise some of the tracks you air on Saturday nights encourage people to wear platform soles?”
- Edward "Ted" Heath, Conservative Party leader, May 1974

I would say to the Light Programme, “Do you realise some of the tunes played by your bands on Saturday nights encourage people to believe in a future of unrestrained consumerism, at a time when all our sinews are required in the rebuilding of our once great country?"
- Anthony "Tone-Def" Eden, Conservative Party leader, January 1956

I think your new semaphore service is the best thing since the Corn Laws. Well done, that man!
- Robert "Copper" Peel, Conservative Party leader, November 1836

Met Police Beatles Tribute Band Organise "Abbey Road" Event

Only one person shot.