Big Idea: SpareChangeSat

Human beings in western nations each drop an average of two pennies on the ground every day of the year. But only 50% of people stoop to pick up their fallen change. That means that in the UK alone, some sixty million pence, or £600,000, is lost to the nation's gutters every twenty four hours. To put that in perspective, it's enough to fund three hospital beds (with sheets) or one royal yacht (without sheets).

Most of the world's lost change remains inaccessible to even the most modern technology. Global companies with the engineering muscle to find oil in the unlikeliest places are defeated by the change exploitation problem, throwing their hands up in defeat and avoiding direct eye contact.

That's where SpareChangeSat comes in. A network of satellites engirdling the globe use pin-sharp optical imaging and shape recognition algorithms to spot coins on the surface of the earth, "tag" them, and alert subscribers to their locations. For a small annual fee (which works out at about £5 per day), customers can receive text messages to their mobile phones telling them where the nearest penny is to be found. It's then a question of "first come, first served".

The company behind SpareChangeSat, Sequinator Industries of Lidchester, UK, has vowed to donate a proportion of operating profits to the funding of a gigantic polysterene cup to be placed at the mouth of the Thames. This monument to inward investment is intended to show a more flexible attitude to European business, balancing the much-loved Land's End "Open Legs" statue facing America.

Google Buys Famed London Street

The web's premier search engine - and world's grooviest brand - today announced its long-awaited transition to the physical world with the purchase of a street in central London. Goodge Street will be renamed Google Street in a typically low-key ceremony on July 1st.

"Goodge already contains 83 per cent of the letters it needs to become Google," said a company spokesperson. "We share so much DNA with Goodge Street that it's hard not to believe we are already related somewhere along the line."

Commentators are confused about the search king's surprise move, citing "poor fit" between the online behemoth's world-straddling operations and the west end artery. But storeowners along the popular boulevard are already equipping their windows with hyperlinks ahead of the formal rebranding.

"This shows that London is a truly global city that exists in cyberspace as well as in my mind," said mayor Ken Livingstone.

Rumors that eBay is poised to buy the nearby British Museum were dismissed by company officers today. "We already own all the world's oceans," said a spokesperson, "and we're still digesting them."

How Quotations Evolve

I would say to Radio 1, “Do you realise some of the stuff you play on Saturday nights encourages people to carry guns and knives?”
- David "Dave" Cameron, Conservative Party leader, June 2006.

I would say to Radio 1, “Do you realise some of the tracks you air on Saturday nights encourage people to wear platform soles?”
- Edward "Ted" Heath, Conservative Party leader, May 1974

I would say to the Light Programme, “Do you realise some of the tunes played by your bands on Saturday nights encourage people to believe in a future of unrestrained consumerism, at a time when all our sinews are required in the rebuilding of our once great country?"
- Anthony "Tone-Def" Eden, Conservative Party leader, January 1956

I think your new semaphore service is the best thing since the Corn Laws. Well done, that man!
- Robert "Copper" Peel, Conservative Party leader, November 1836

Met Police Beatles Tribute Band Organise "Abbey Road" Event

Only one person shot.

The Damp Squid...

...is our latest loveable character concept especially crafted for kids from age zero to one hundred. Everyone who encounters him falls in love with his curmudgeonly wisdom and wet-look skin.

The Damp Squid's launch adventure sees him helping a swimmer in difficulties while learning about "peak oil" from a passing geologist. Charming illustrations - rendered in authentic squid ink - make the story one to treasure.

This perfect-bound, print-on-demand, straight-to-bargain-bin classic is now available at your nearest recycling centre.

Big Idea: Toast of the Town

This is the take-out restaurant format that's set to revolutionise the world of portable grilled meal solutions. And you can be a part of it.

The concept is: toast. White toast, brown toast, toast with hen's feet. Buttered toast. Toast with eight types of jam, toast with eight types of honey, toast with eight types of marmalade.

Skinny toast. Toast with crusts on the side. Toast with tea. (There's no coffee. Frankly, the world is awash with coffee.)

If you're British, you live on toast. If you could have a toaster on your desk at work, you'd have one. (Perhaps you do? Crumbs.)

But there's nowhere you can get a quick slice on the hoof. Until now! Until legions of entrepreneurs sign up as franchisees of Toast of the Town and spread our crunchy revolution across the world.

What you get for your initial £5,000 investment:

- a four-slot Dualit toaster
- 600 loaves of sliced bread (mixed varieties)
- a stylish Toast of the Town window decal
- complementary admission to our annual Intervention Butter Mountain indoor ski day (bring the kids! And a butter knife.)

Money Saving Tip

Catch one of the foxes living under your shed and make it into soap. If your neighbours have lavender growing in their garden, this can be used to scent the soap. Best to do all of this while the kids are at school and not on a day when the social workers are visiting.

Big Idea: Happy Meals for Adults

Why should kids have all the fun? Savvy restaurants with a real passion for customer service and a commitment to "eye-poppin valu" are starting to develop meal ranges that pack more than just a calorific punch. Don't be surprised if the next time you order up your favorite meal option, a little plastic Bill Murray figurine, looking a little pissed off, drops in your lap.

2003 arthouse smash Lost In Translation is the first entertainment property to inspire a happy-meal-type tie-in at British chain restaurant Wee Chef. The movie, which follows the hilarious adventures of a mismatched American couple in Tokyo, is highly regarded by the coveted ABC1 demographic who traditionally feel excluded from the Wee Chef offer.

The new LIT meal is being tested in the Spalding, Trowbridge and Kendal areas over the next three months. Early signs are that the idea is striking a chord with upscale buyers, who are being drawn to Wee Chef outlets by the lifesize cardboard cut-outs of Scarlett Johanson's lower lip.

Big Idea: The Grand Metropolitan Sun Pipe

The sun pipe is the modern version of the skylight. It's basically a tube with a mirrored inside surface. You poke one end through the roof and the other end through a ceiling. The ceiling end has a diffuser on it. As the tube is flexible, you can now bring daylight into an area that has no direct access to the sun.

But the sun pipe people need to think big. We really need one over London. Something a couple of miles wide, moored to (say) the Gherkin, would provide guaranteed, full-spectrum daylight to the City, Docklands and much of the West End. It would of course need to be quite a tall pipe, in order to break through the cloud cover.

I'm not entirely sure what effect the Grand Metropolitan Sun Pipe would have on local weather conditions. I imagine that clouds cosying up to the exterior surface of the pipe might well turn to moisture, creating a near-constant run-off down the structure. This valuable resource could be harvested at the base, or even bottled and sold to gullible tourists.

Is this the great engineering project we're looking for, now that the Channel Tunnel is such a rip-snorting success, our high-speed trains thread the countryside and our new generation of NHS IT systems is revolutionising healthcare? Yes! Obviously.

Truncated Quotes

Those who cannot remember the past are conned.
- George Santa

Truncated Quotes

Nothing succeeds like suck.
- Alexandre Dum

Truncated Quotes

Beauty is in the eye of the bee.
- Plat

Spamoem

up. Maybe
we'll have to shoot it out
with the patrol guards.
However, unconscious
on the sidewalk
and Redrick chased
the other three
for four white bouncing lips
and his green-smeared sweaty cheek.
Then the lightning

Three Tracks From My Fantasy Remix Album

1: John Essential - Flame-Fitted Moth

2: Acrylic Carrier - You Are My Clonus

3: Fixamatosis - How Much Did They Pay You, Steven

Definition of "meme"

Sometimes erroneously attributed to author Richard Dawkins, the word "meme" is actually a simple concatenation of "me-me".

The term is used to describe how ideas are spread on the web largely by people who have very little to say, but crave attention.

The ideas in this blog are a key example.

Valuable Life Lesson

Peter Riotis packed two chickens, beef round and strip loin, ground beef and corned beef hash into his stepchildren's Spiderman and princess book bags.

He grabbed coffee creamer, too, mozzarella and string cheese, American cheese singles, a $2 football and other items -- more than $90 worth of goods. Then the 6-year-old boy and two girls, ages 10 and 12, carried the bags full of food outside.

But, according to Pasco County Sheriff's Office investigators, Riotis and the children weren't shopping at the Save-A-Lot grocery, 12060 U.S. 19, on Friday. Riotis was stealing.
[...]
"When I got caught, I told them, 'See what happens. It's not right to steal,' " Riotis said.

The Tampa Tribune, 23 Oct 2005.

Who needs water or power?

AmericanFlags.com Will Replace Weather-Beaten Flags for Free

HUNTINGTON, N.Y., Oct. 27, 2005 -- In the wake of Hurricane Wilma, AmericanFlags.com announced today that it will immediately begin distributing free American Flags to those whose flags were damaged during this autumn's inclement weather. The U.S. flags to be given away by AmericanFlags.com measure 3 feet by 5 feet and generally retail on the website for $19.99, plus shipping and handling. Up to 100,000 customers will get these flags for free and pay only for shipping and handling. AmericanFlags.com ran a similar giveaway earlier this year to mark July 4th and distributed more than 100,000 free flags nationwide.

"The American Flag is perhaps our greatest symbol of perseverance and an unbreakable spirit of resolve," said AmericanFlags.com President/CEO Jeffrey Reynolds. "As the residents of Florida and other weather-battered areas begin clean-up efforts and retire their tattered flags, we want to make sure that they are replaced with clean, new flags that properly reflect that spirit." AmericanFlags.com is the world's largest retailer of U.S. flags and flagpoles, supplying American-made products to corporations, schools, military bases and consumers worldwide. AmericanFlags.com is owned and operated by Precision Marketing Solutions, Inc., a privately-held corporation based in New York. Visitors can claim their free flags by visiting http://www.americanflags.com/.

Great Moments in Customer Service #94

Us: Hi! How are you?

Floor-layer: We're here, aren't we?

The Authentic Sound of British Protest

To shouts of "take your hands off him" and "it's an absolute disgrace" from the audience, he was lifted by security guards and carried out.

The Guardian, 28 July 2005.

After Odell James Rhodes allegedly fled from a stolen vehicle, police say they found several components used in manufacturing methamphetamine in the car along with a few slices of pizza. "It was a barbecue pizza with Canadian bacon and extra cheese," Officer C. B. Caya of the Johnson Police Department said.

Northwest Arkansas Times, 29 June 2005.