Not Me
What a shame.

Great Moments in Customer Service #2
Me: You tried to deliver a package just now, but he's put an invalid waybill number on the card.
DHL: What's the route number?
Me: WN06...
DHL: ...Oh blimey, he ain't got a flipping phone. Fat lot of use that is.

Lovely Street Names #2 to #8

Acting on details provided by an informant, police have seized several dozen street-name signs at a local residence, which allegedly had been stolen by a teenager from street intersections during the past several months.

The purloined green-and-white signs were stolen from places across town, including Cricket Trail, High Rock Road, Great Ring Road, Chipmunk Trail, Chimney Swift Road, and Poverty Hollow Road, among dozens of others.

Newtown Bee (CT)

That's a matter of opinion

Almonds and pistachios are the only nuts mentioned in the Bible.

The dairy area is a gold mine if you love yogurt.

This must be a fertility cocktail:

IVF Martini

Into a shaker 2/3 filled with ice add a small (30 ml) shot of absinthe, a small shot of Kahlua, and a large (60 ml) shot of cold (but fresh) espresso (or filter coffee). Shake and strain into a Martini glass, and float a small shot of single cream on top. Garnish with three coffee beans.

ViewLondon

Maybe "Truffle" Is Code For "Missile"?

"Daddy, daddy, look what I found," cries Rana, one of his daughters, running up to Saddam with a truffle in her hand.

The Cape Argus (and everybody else) on Reuters' Saddam Hussein home videos.

Lovely Street Names #1

Reed slammed into a tree along Pine Products Road as he was trying to outrun a sheriff's deputy.

St Petersburg Times [Florida]

Surprisingly dull compilation of exclamations and arguments (on a bus) caused by spontaneous traffic-related nudity in Nigeria.

"So. What about Tim?"

Mustn't-Haves #342
Inside was a set of beautiful, hand crafted metal and wood hot dog sticks! [...]They're very affordable and come in a beautiful cloth case.
Writers Weekly

She waited through the courses until the end when her pungent surprise was brought out. Floating in the bowl of soup were gelatinous rubber band shapes.

Yeltsin paused dramatically before announcing: "Moose lips."

from Hillary Clinton's memoirs, apparently.

Great Moments in Customer Service
Us: Our milk delivery hasn't come today.
Dairy Crest: Yeah, Sean's been really unreliable lately.

6:30 am - Jump on the computer and type in a few names I dreamed up during the night for a new agricultural herbicide. After 21 years of full-time freelancing, I do this work in my sleep!
Star Lawrence, a real star.

DISGRACED doctor Jack Freeman claimed about $670,000 for services he never provided in a sophisticated bulk-billing fraud, a court heard yesterday. [...]The biggest item in the fraud was $388,113.50 Freeman claimed for treating 3595 in-grown toenails. On average, Victorian GPs treated only 19 in that period.

Herald Sun [Australia], 16 May 2003

PS: They mean doctors in Victoria, not doctors from the reign of Queen Victoria. Sheesh.

Drippy Ice Cream Cones?
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

What kind of a name is "Stakeknife"? If I was a double agent, I'd want a cool name like "Mellon Baller".

"I was at a party in Oakland last weekend with some friends," Sabathia said, "and several of them said that I should raise the pants legs and expose the socks."

The Journal of the American Mosquito Control Association reported that drinking beer and other alcoholic beverages increases a person's appeal to mosquitoes. Mosquitoes also love socks and limburger cheese.

Washington Post, 6 May 2003

· Now that you are supporting art projects, perhaps you can help with my latest conceptual masterwork? I intend to place a little blue bag of plain crisps in a deserted salt mine. Which won't come cheap, believe me. If it helps, I can arrange for the crisps to be naked.
Paul May

The Guardian, 3 May 2003