Town Planning Insights (1): West End Westerlies

"...the prevailing westerly wind in England, blowing the worst of smoke and stench eastwards, has ensured that the most salubrious part of any English city is always in the west."
- Clare Clark, reviewing Hubbub: Filth, noise and stench in England by Emily Cockayne, TLS, 13 July 2007.

The Engines of Necessity

The engines of necessity are parked in the sidings of despair. The seven members of the maintenance team of fate have hung up the toolboxes of desire, and wept seven oceans of tears. All along the line, points freeze and grandmothers step. The reason of sleep comes knocking gently on the souls of your window. Do not let it in.

On a lighter note, I see that it's not raining this morning (yet).

Cliche Makeover: the shadow of a doubt

The origins of this fine cliche have recently been unearthed in an archaeological dig near Lidchester, England. Kneeling trowel-fanciers hot on the trail of a medieval sewer that served the old cathedral stumbled across a limestone doubt that had been buried there during the War of the Hoses.

Measuring three feet by eight metres by two years, the doubt bears all the signs of having been entertained by several generations of Lidchester locals. Experts from the University of Environs have run a series of computerised tests which suggest that, at dawn on Midsummer's Day, the doubt would originally have cast a shadow two miles long pointing directly at the sea.

The summer solstice was the one day in the year when Early Man would "have a wobble" about the relationship between the sea and the land, which was otherwise believed to be stable, mature and imbued with mutual respect. Hence, at any other time, people were able to carry on their normal business convinced that they were completely right about everything. Or something.

Disappearing Words: Margarine

According to the Margarine and Spreads Association, the name margarine comes from the Greek word margarites meaning "pearl". And yet margarine isn't made out of pearls - oh no! It's made out of fat.

We still consume, I imagine, around 18 tonnes of margarine per head every year, and a further 2 tonnes per foot. That's despite the raging success of spreadable products named after cries of disbelief. And yet it's very rarely that you hear the word "margarine" in your local cawfee shop. Nor does it crop up much in hi-level debate about the "special relationship" between the UK and the US.

"Margarine" appears only once in the works of Shakespeare:

Would that this margarine o'erleapt th'very bounds of reason;
Aye, there wouldst see a pretty coxcomb for a quivvering.
- Two Spots For A Picnick, or The Comedie Of Terrors (Virgin, 1599)

Disappearing Words: Mauve

Mauve! What a useful word. But it's just not getting any play these days. Try asking for something mauve in Zara, and see where it gets you. Tell your SO that his/her aura is looking mauve today, and you'd better duck!

But mauve is still (arguably) where it's at. Or, at the very least, mauve is where it once might have been.

Try to work "mauve" into your conversation this week. Why not mauve-tivate your team members to use this handy colour word too? What do you mean, you haven't got any team members? Excuse me, I think I've just seen someone I know.

My favourite...

...sub-surface transport system in London has got to be the Underground, or "choob". It's a must for anyone who wants to travel around this great city by subway. Ignore all imitations! If someone offers you one of those free underground transport systems, just ignore them.

Press Freedom

Press freedom - and then stand well back! Sometimes the freedom button is connected to the annihilation circuit. This is due to a change in wiring colour standards. If you are in any doubt, ask a grown-up to do it for you.

Birdcalls of Melrose Ave

Streep! Streep!
Swank!
Streeeeep! Streep streep streep!
Bradpitt. Bradpitt.

Film director to change name?

Given the toy tie-in raison d'etre of his new Transformers movie, the director might want to consider changing his surname from Bay to eBay. That's where the cultural freight of this juggernaut will eventually wind up.

How to turn down a Bond movie

"At the last minute, I looked over the edge of the cliff and got back into my Prius."

- Film director Roger Michell explaining how he turned down the next Bond film (#22), as reported in Screen International, 15 August 2006 (subscription required).

Rewrite:

"At the last minute, I floored the accelerator of my Aston Martin and sailed over the cliff."

Two movie kitchens to die for

1: Check out the Smeg gear in The Hours. You'll need to block out Meryl Streep, who does a quantity of blubbing in front of the cabinets, but the design comes through well enough. Compare with Virginia Woolf's ropey old kitchen in the same movie. No wonder she got depressed.

2: Daniel Auteuil also succumbs to a flood of tears in his nicely appointed galley-style kitchen in Hidden (Cache). The action on the under-counter fridge door looks like it could use a little attention. But, strangely, none of the characters in the film mentions this. That's just one of the many conundra in this intriguing fillum, soon to be remade with Al Pacino and Meryl Streep.

Latest Hollywood Remakes

New versions of several classic movies have been announced by metaproduction company Stasis. The films are being sponsored by commercial organisations and each will feature prominent product placements.

The full slate is:

Silence of the Lamps
Snickers Man
The No Study Required Graduate
Retailers of the Lost Ark
Five Easy PCs
The Usual Specs
Clothes Encounters of the Third Kind
Serpicola

Virtual Samosas

They're tasty, they're crunchy, they're spicey - they're the finger-food you can eat even if you haven't got any fingers (because, for example, you have already eaten them).

Virtual Samosas are made from 100% organic bits. The angles of each tastetastic triangle have been certified to add up to 180 degrees.

Virtual Samosas are now available wherever you see this invisible sign:

Alter Ego Surfing

"Recent crime rate statistics that indicate a 6.6 percent increase in the crime rate in Okeechobee County also has caused Sheriff Paul May’s blood pressure to go up."

Okeechobee News, 23 July 2006

Technobile

My paranoia about proximity detectors is here.

Dream Product Pitch

"It's motivation - in a bottle."

My phone was an extra in...

... Taggart (July 7th or 14th, I forget which). I can't remember anything about the plot. Taggart is a very talky show, isn't it? They're always blathering.

... The Beat That My Heart Skipped (De battre mon coeur s'est arrêté). Unlikely pianist with implausible friends.

Star Secrets: Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt saves the saline solution that comes with disposable contact lenses and returns it to the ocean. It's the star's way of countering the lowering of sea levels associated with global warming.

He's also been known to good-naturedly bully fellow actors into donating their own saline solution - and even tears - to the project. Pitt insists that a distinctive plastic water butt is placed outside his trailer on set, so that cast and crew can donate their brine.

Meanwhile Pitt's Ocean's Whatever screenmate George Clooney is telling everyone who'll listen that Brad's barking up the wrong tree. According to Clooney, sea levels will rise as climate change melts the polar ice caps.

Clooney has told close associates that Pitt has miscalculated the effects of evaporation and failed to appreciate the totality of the water cycle.

Brad Pitt was not available for comment.

Fruit Fries

Fruit Fries - the delicious new snack everyone is talking about... with their mouths full! Full of the crunchy, nutricious, golden-fried fruit pieces that everyone is talking about.

Fruit Fries are available in three handy take-anywhere pouches: small, tiny and microscopic.

Try a bag today! Try another bag tomorrow. Just keep trying them. (It helps if you keep your hand over your mouth.)

Nutritional Information: Fruit Fries do not contain fruit. Ingredients: water, dust, wild starch. Not recommended as part of a human diet.

Who Is The World's Largest Sheriff?

The big news in the world of electronic canned meat is the junkworld debut of the World's Largest Sheriff. The so-far anonymous gargantuan law-maker has wires abuzz around the globe.

Theories are starting to emerge as to his - or her - identity. Some "internetters" believe the star in question is pinned to the chest of none other than Quentile Scarmover, previously the world's largest caretaker at Pittsburgh Seaworld. Others maintain that the giant sherriff is actually a newly formed volcano.

According to her - or his - agent, the World's Largest Sheriff is considering several offers for the rights to her - oh, alright, his - life story.