How to turn down a Bond movie

"At the last minute, I looked over the edge of the cliff and got back into my Prius."

- Film director Roger Michell explaining how he turned down the next Bond film (#22), as reported in Screen International, 15 August 2006 (subscription required).

Rewrite:

"At the last minute, I floored the accelerator of my Aston Martin and sailed over the cliff."

Two movie kitchens to die for

1: Check out the Smeg gear in The Hours. You'll need to block out Meryl Streep, who does a quantity of blubbing in front of the cabinets, but the design comes through well enough. Compare with Virginia Woolf's ropey old kitchen in the same movie. No wonder she got depressed.

2: Daniel Auteuil also succumbs to a flood of tears in his nicely appointed galley-style kitchen in Hidden (Cache). The action on the under-counter fridge door looks like it could use a little attention. But, strangely, none of the characters in the film mentions this. That's just one of the many conundra in this intriguing fillum, soon to be remade with Al Pacino and Meryl Streep.

Latest Hollywood Remakes

New versions of several classic movies have been announced by metaproduction company Stasis. The films are being sponsored by commercial organisations and each will feature prominent product placements.

The full slate is:

Silence of the Lamps
Snickers Man
The No Study Required Graduate
Retailers of the Lost Ark
Five Easy PCs
The Usual Specs
Clothes Encounters of the Third Kind
Serpicola

Virtual Samosas

They're tasty, they're crunchy, they're spicey - they're the finger-food you can eat even if you haven't got any fingers (because, for example, you have already eaten them).

Virtual Samosas are made from 100% organic bits. The angles of each tastetastic triangle have been certified to add up to 180 degrees.

Virtual Samosas are now available wherever you see this invisible sign:

Alter Ego Surfing

"Recent crime rate statistics that indicate a 6.6 percent increase in the crime rate in Okeechobee County also has caused Sheriff Paul May’s blood pressure to go up."

Okeechobee News, 23 July 2006

Technobile

My paranoia about proximity detectors is here.

Dream Product Pitch

"It's motivation - in a bottle."

My phone was an extra in...

... Taggart (July 7th or 14th, I forget which). I can't remember anything about the plot. Taggart is a very talky show, isn't it? They're always blathering.

... The Beat That My Heart Skipped (De battre mon coeur s'est arrêté). Unlikely pianist with implausible friends.

Star Secrets: Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt saves the saline solution that comes with disposable contact lenses and returns it to the ocean. It's the star's way of countering the lowering of sea levels associated with global warming.

He's also been known to good-naturedly bully fellow actors into donating their own saline solution - and even tears - to the project. Pitt insists that a distinctive plastic water butt is placed outside his trailer on set, so that cast and crew can donate their brine.

Meanwhile Pitt's Ocean's Whatever screenmate George Clooney is telling everyone who'll listen that Brad's barking up the wrong tree. According to Clooney, sea levels will rise as climate change melts the polar ice caps.

Clooney has told close associates that Pitt has miscalculated the effects of evaporation and failed to appreciate the totality of the water cycle.

Brad Pitt was not available for comment.

Fruit Fries

Fruit Fries - the delicious new snack everyone is talking about... with their mouths full! Full of the crunchy, nutricious, golden-fried fruit pieces that everyone is talking about.

Fruit Fries are available in three handy take-anywhere pouches: small, tiny and microscopic.

Try a bag today! Try another bag tomorrow. Just keep trying them. (It helps if you keep your hand over your mouth.)

Nutritional Information: Fruit Fries do not contain fruit. Ingredients: water, dust, wild starch. Not recommended as part of a human diet.

Who Is The World's Largest Sheriff?

The big news in the world of electronic canned meat is the junkworld debut of the World's Largest Sheriff. The so-far anonymous gargantuan law-maker has wires abuzz around the globe.

Theories are starting to emerge as to his - or her - identity. Some "internetters" believe the star in question is pinned to the chest of none other than Quentile Scarmover, previously the world's largest caretaker at Pittsburgh Seaworld. Others maintain that the giant sherriff is actually a newly formed volcano.

According to her - or his - agent, the World's Largest Sheriff is considering several offers for the rights to her - oh, alright, his - life story.

Misheard at Waterloo

"Passengers are reminded that bison may not be carried on this service."

Put your kgwonlee to good use

"Deerges Baesd On Yuor Kgwonlee", promises an exciting new email...

Assuming I've got some kgwonlee - and I'll need to check the cupboards - I'm not sure I really need any more deerges. The last litter of deerges I had became infested with mites and I had to burn them all, then flush the ash down the lav.

Three more tracks from my fantasy remix album

4: Disastermovie - All One Word

5: Type A Horse - Garden Killing Tree Hugger

6: The Scallops - Out Of My Box

The Pedspeed

Why hasn't it caught on?

Cheap Flights Bonanza

Paper Planes
Originally uploaded by pilchard77.

Planes stacked up in the smog-heavy skies over Heathrow this morning.

Modern Mottoes: War Chic

Dolce et Gabbana pro patria mori.

Technobile

I take my revenge on all the inkjet printers in my grubby past here.

Small Intestine Investor

The latest edition of Small Intestine Investor magazine (sadly not available on any web) has a fascinating article about stocks in spamming companies.

Not only are savvy investors piling into companies that send out emails telling people to invest in penny stocks, there are even new portfolio investment vehicles that let you take a position in "the spam of the spam".

This one really is a winer.

Next month Small Intestine Investor announces the recipient of its annual "Canned Meat Festival" award, rumored to be going to the team of junk mail junkies responsible for last winter's classic "This o\/er the counter sock is undre my radar NAME HERE" missive.

Line for found poem

With one hand they cover up the sky.

from China (BBC2)