History In The Making
Floor and Decor Outlets of America opened its first Phoenix location last month to record-breaking sales, making it the retailer's strongest opening in history.
eReleases.com, 22 February 2005

Say What?
"I thought they were ridgy-didge," he said.
Daily Telegraph [Australia], 21 February 2005

Now Lenten observances are less rigorous, and they certainly didn't inhibit the Grilled Cheese-Eating Championships from being held last week in Venice Beach, Calif., where renowned gurgitator Sonya Thomas walked away with the $3,500 grand prize after eating 25 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes. Weighing in at only 105 pounds, Sonya is prominent among the new type of athletes known as competitive eaters, or gurgitators, and she holds numerous titles, including asparagus (5.75 pounds of fried tempura-coated spears in 10 minutes), lobsters (38 in 12 minutes), and cheesecake (11 pounds in 9 minutes).
These and many other gorging contests are sanctioned by the International Federation of Competitive Eating, which disallows people younger than 18 from competing and discourages speed-eating at home, even for training.
The IFOCE considers speed-eating a sport. Their pantheon of athletes includes 409-pound Cookie Jarvis (one gallon, 9 ounces of ice cream in 12 minutes), the cornbread-loving Yellow Cake Subich and Carlene LeFevre, "a fierce and highly focused competitor who releases excess energy by popping up and down as she eats," which "helps to tamp down the food in her stomach."
Fairbanks Daily News-Miner, 21 February 2005

I Could Do This Job Single-Handed
Mobile phone company 3 are looking for an Entertainment Project Manager with attributes that include: "Enthusiasm for adult entertainment, broad minded & customer savvy ".

Pod User's Manual.

Translation

They say:

The project is examining how spaces between buildings can be used to create a streetscape matching the cosmopolitan feel of the location and improve the pedestrian experience in accordance with the Urban Realm Strategy for the city centre. Aberdeen City Council, 16 February 2005.

They mean:
We're going to repave Thistle Street.

Headlines That Make History

Americans still like thicker towels

Charlotte Observer, 17 February 2005 [subscription required].

According to that shining light of reason, Princess Michael, the Queen relaxes by exercising her Cockney accent. This news comes hot (or not) on the heels of the revelation that Buckingham Palace lacks double-glazing, and is oozing heat into the Mall.

Who'd have guessed that the royal family were so common? My sources tell me that Princess Michael has done her own secondary glazing at her pad in Kensington. Perhaps she used clingfilm, and a hair dryer.

Cheese theft
Police were called Sunday to Cub Foods, 2600 Rice Creek Road, on a theft report. A Cub security officer said she saw a man entering and leaving the bathroom of the store several times. The man then left the store, and allegedly tried to break into three vehicles, including the security officer's vehicle. She confronted the man, who told her he had cheese in his pocket and it was not paid for. Police asked the man why he was trying to get into the vehicles, and he said he was cold. The man was cited for shoplifting and motor-vehicle tampering. Police gave him a ride home.
St. Paul Pioneer Press, 28 January 2005 [subscription required]

British Culture Triumphs in Hollywood

"I am ashamed of the drink-punch-smash-vomit culture which has spread like an ugly acne on the face of our once proud towns and cities." Steve Green, Chief Constable of Nottinghamshire Police. The Scotsman, 22 January 2005.

"I'm too scared to put on a dress in case the baby vomits on it." Cate Blanchett, Oscar (R) nominee. Ananova, 1 February 2005.

"Yeah, I'd love to be skinny like you, but I couldn't give up eating vinyl."

Picture: The Virtual Radiogram

Skip, Surbiton. (Or "skip Surbiton", if you're in a hurry.)

I'd like to think this Walton-on-Thames firm was founded by Mr Fox, and then he brought his daughters into the business. I'm too timid to call them and ask them, but look - the number's there if you want to have a go.

We thought it was mould, but it was just a jay cloth that had got shredded, and baked into the loaf. Yum yum.

...the Ontario Coalition Against Poverty did not steal any steak last week. Instead, they stole — or rather they claim to have stolen — chicken, diapers and razor blades; two tins of salmon; a jar of peanut butter; also some cheese.
Toronto Star, 7 October 2004

BLOOMINGTON, Ind., Sept. 27, 2004 -- Canadian author,columnist and entertainer Gordon Kirkland announced todaythat his next book, "When My Mind Wanders It Brings Back Souvenirs," will be released by U.S. publisher AuthorHousein the spring of 2005.
eReleases Newsbureau

When My Mind Wanders I Tack Photocopied Appeals For Its Return On Neighbourhood Trees.

B-LOONY LTD
Acquired By BIMBO
Sector: Promotional Products
T/O: £4m
Oasis Europe

Q: Anything to add to the Trite List for 2003?
The poster child for tired branding buzzwords would have to be “Extreme,” which registered an inexplicable 20% increase in 2003. Among the wild-and-crazy products that fancied themselves extreme were cake mix, beef jerky, fishing lures, conveyor belts, tricycles, refrigerator magnets, clip-on sunglasses and pudding. Please put this one out of its misery.
The Naming Newsletter, Rivkin & Associates, 21 September 2004

"If you have 844 paper clips in your drawer, take some back to the storage unit," she said.
South Bend Tribune, 11 September 2004.

BOZEMAN (AP) — Vandalism at the Gallatin County Republican headquarters has been under investigation by police.
Damage included a shattered window, and on the outside walls, spray-painted messages against President Bush. The front door was coated with eggs and a substance resembling cottage cheese.
Helena Independent Record, 5 September 2004.

EL PORTAL
Someone stole a dolly from a front yard in the 100 block of Northeast 87th Street, sometime between 9:45 and 10:25 a.m. Aug. 1. The homeowner said she left the dolly near the roadway after putting her trash out.
Miami Herald, 19 August 2004.