Cupcake Canasta

Stake Your Claim

2011-03-10T04:33:00.001-08:00

Does your insurance policy cover you for disposing of dead bodies? This helpful article considers this important issue.

Great Names of Our Times #651

2011-03-02T09:23:00.000-08:00

A young woman detained for shoplifting in the Trenton, Pa area is named Ikea L. Lynch.

Sorry about my child's smell.

2011-02-07T07:06:00.000-08:00

Scent from my Tyrone.

Crime Spree in Grass Valley, California

2010-08-12T02:28:00.000-07:00

Here are some extracts from the Grass Valley police blotter for 5 August 2010.

I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but I detect a pattern here:

12:29 p.m. — A caller from a business in the 100 block of Mill Street reported two 8-year-old boys had been caught shoplifting. They were warned and the merchandise was recovered.

12:49 p.m. — A man from the 100 block of Alta Street reported a vehicle had been egged.

9:45 p.m. — A caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported two boys stole cheese and left on bikes.

10:18 p.m. — A caller from the 800 block of West Main Street reported two boys running and diving into bushes who might be up to no good.

They're just trying to make an omelette.

Sugar Smarts

2010-03-08T05:25:00.000-08:00

Don't forget: eating sugar makes you more intelligent! Eat more sugar and you too will be able to use a computer, even if you are a girl.

Your Next Social Move

2010-01-08T12:44:00.000-08:00

Did you know that the Pressing Iron and Trivet Collectors of America have an annual convention? You do now.

from Inforum: The Forum of Fargo-Moorhead

World's Most Boring Film And Annoying Tune

2009-11-23T08:52:00.000-08:00

Is this the most boring film ever made? Does it have the most annoying tune ever recorded?

This is like being trapped inside one of Martin Parr's Boring Postcards for what feels like eternity, but is really only two and a half minutes.

The starring station is London Waterloo - see if you can spot Jason Bourne in the crowd. (Hint: He's not there.)

Resolution: Four Chain Restaurants I Will Definitely Open Before 2020

2009-11-19T11:19:00.000-08:00

Toast Of The Town

Toast! Toast of all kinds, prepared with sensitivity and panache by our highly trained tostadas. With your choice of spreads and toppings, all served in adorable (yet biodegradable) sachets. From two earth pounds per slice.

Red

At Red, all the food is red. Our best sellers are raw beef and wine gums - but only the red ones, of course. Free jam refills.

Wikileeks

Recipes curated by the online community. The only rule is that they've got to contain leeks - after that, let your imagination run wild! Warning: Dishes contain leeks.

Flour Of Scotland

Celebrate the very best in Scottish flours at our latest franchise restaurant concept. We've got wholemeal, we've got refined, we've even got lumpy. In fact, we've got rather a lot of lumpy. And to wash your flour down, what could be more appropriate than a fine, aged Scottish gravy?

Prime Development Land

2009-11-17T03:12:00.000-08:00

I've always loved this picture of a "coastline" on Titan, one of the moons of Saturn. Looking at it again today, I've realised that you can make out the A35 trunk road.

Le Scramble

2009-11-15T06:01:00.001-08:00

A planned distribution of envelopes of cash was called off this weekend when 5,000 people showed up in the centre of Paris ready to catch the flying money. I won't mention the name of the company behind the stunt, because they've had enough publicity out of the whole thing, and because you probably wouldn't be able to buy their product or service or whatever it is anyway.

It just seems to me that 5,000 people is a pathetically small turnout for a well publicised cash handout. 200,000 people can squeeze into Trafalgar Square (that was the capacity crowd at 1990's poll tax riot) and they'll do so without any inducements other than a few (fake) lions, a much-reduced flock of (real) pigeons, and a little man standing on the top of a big pole. The riot police still turned out though.

On the other hand, it's good to see that people are still interested in free money. I worry that as society continues to develop in leaps and bounds, we're losing touch with the important things in life, such as acquisition, competition and publicity. Hoorah (or possibly hoopla) for the good people - and police - of Paris for showing us the way. Tehran, please take note.

Virgin Mary Acts Rationally, Claims Bishop

2009-11-11T03:27:00.000-08:00

"It doesn't make sense to me that Our Lady, in some way, would tell someone 'I'll see you in Knock on the 5th of December'," Bishop Walsh said, scathingly. "That goes away from the rational."

Belfast Telegraph

Oddest "Poor Battery Life" Metaphor Ever

2009-11-10T12:07:00.000-08:00

"Battery life is the boil on the face of most smart phones, and RIM claims the Bold 9700 will lance that boil in time for the BlackBerry ball."

cnet

**Warning: Article headline includes phrase "less big".

Trump Protesters Escalate From Horses' Heads

2009-11-06T11:08:00.001-08:00

A sperm whale that washed up on the beach at Balmedie, just north of Aberdeen, has been removed to a landfill site after it began to get too smelly.

This is the environmentally sensitive site where Donald Trump plans to build his golf course 'n' apartments complex. Is the dead whale a message to The Donald? I'd like to think so. I know a few fishmongers in Aberdeen who'd slip you a sperm whale under the counter if they knew it was for a good cause.

Signs and Portents

2009-11-05T01:36:00.000-08:00

Laist are hot and bothered (actually, they're cool and unruffled) about 90210 featuring an impossible location: two characters meet under a letter of the HOLLYWOOD sign, which is off-limits to the public.

Makes sense, doesn't it? If ordinary folks could clamber up to the sign then there'd be all sorts of shenanigans afoot. Letters would be smashed up and/or stolen. Then all the people who live to the east of the sign would be able to pour through to the west - and, before we knew it, east and west America would be reunified and the capitalist system would be consigned to the trash can of history.

Nightmare Job #439

2009-11-03T02:47:00.000-08:00

"Busy surgeon has many great ideas for science fiction, historical fantasy and adventure novels, wants to pay a co-author to actually flesh out the ideas and outlines into complete novels..."

elance (may well require registration)

This busy surgeon is advertising on elance for a ghostwriter, and I'm sure he (it's got to be a he, surely) will get lots of offers. I'd be more interested in writing the story of the busy surgeon who dreams up science fiction, historical fantasy and adventure while he's hacking away in the theatre.

Or perhaps I could pitch an "alternative reality" novel where a writer gets a job as a busy surgeon? I reckon I could "flesh out" as well as the next guy, given the right instruments, and someone to catch me when I faint.

Girls And Corpses Magazine

2009-11-03T02:37:00.000-08:00

“I keep a corpse in my car for shoots and stuff,” he said. “You never know when you’ll need one.”

LA Weekly

Phrase Of The Day: Wall Wart

2009-11-02T09:54:00.000-08:00

The universal charger will likely use half as much energy on standby as conventional chargers, solving the "wall wart" problem.

Mother Jones

How To Start A Review

2009-11-01T13:14:00.000-08:00

In a typically cynical insight, the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer once observed that romantic love is nothing but a subterfuge by which nature ensures the survival of the human species.

He could hardly have known that a couple of hundred years later, love — or rather, three-minute depictions of how one falls in and out of it — would have become the focus of an enormous industry selling CDs and music downloads.

There seemed to be very few cynics at Miley Cyrus's Halloween night concert at Freedom Hall.

(etc etc)

The Courier-Journal

There's Always Someone Worse Off Than Yourself #754

2009-11-01T12:50:00.000-08:00

"Today, I'm upcycling a bag of wine corks (compliments of my crafty sister-in-law) into an eco-hip crisscross cork trivet to use on the Thanksgiving table."

Sadly I can't find a nicely laid out page for this story - if you want to make your own cork trivet (which you don't) you'll have to try this rubbish snapshot from the Google cache.

Sentence Of The Month

2009-10-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

Ms Hadfield - pictured in the festival’s spinning egg, which she described as “like a sensory-deprivation chamber, but friendlier” - said more than 60 volunteers were contributing knitting to cover central Footscray’s trees.

- Maribyrnong Leader

Woman sees Rudolph in pork chop

2009-10-28T13:40:00.001-07:00

Of course she does.

Official: Okay To Kill Zombies

2009-10-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

'Did you know that the same guy founded Atari (in 1972) and the pizza/video-game chainChuck E. Cheese? Nolan Bushnell was ousted from both companies right before they hit the big time. And now he's writing a science-fiction novel. [...] Bushnell has come out against ultra-violent video games like Grand Theft Auto because it's not constructive or cathartic to portray violence against a cop, sex worker or pimp. But it's okay to show someone killing zombies, because "they're already dead!"'

io9

Amanda Holden In A Jar

2009-10-14T05:08:00.000-07:00

This is a very exciting idea from Kenco, the coffee people. Instead of buying an actress, using her up, and then throwing her in the trash so that you can replace her with a fresh one, why not "refill and reuse" the same actress? It's kinder to her, and it's kinder to the planet. Not sure what use it is for Kenco.

How to Fix... high speed rail

2009-08-26T03:33:00.000-07:00

Now that Lord Adonis, the Greek mythical character in charge of British transport policy, has swung his weight behind a high speed train link between London and far-away Birmingham, we can expect work to start any minute, and the new service to be running perfectly by the spring. That's certainly what happened with the wonderful Crossrail project, without which London would have seized up years ago.

But a big problem remains: Where is the line going to go?

I don't think there's much disagreement about the overall answer to this question. Clearly, the most logical place to put the line is on the ground. There's a huge amount of ground stretching between the two cities, and all we need to do is find a continuous, narrow strip of it that doesn't have any houses on it.

However, there's a much better way – a simple solution which is, as temporarily Heathrovian author Alain de Botton might say, “ruddy brilliant”. Instead of finding a new route for the track to be built on, the line's builders can simply lay the rails on the fast lanes of the M40 motorway. Anyone who can prove that they habitually drive along the fast lane at speeds above 90 mph will be offered discount tickets on the new train service, and their cars will be taken away and crushed. This will solve the road traffic capacity issue, while at the same time demonstrating the government's ability to solve problems through sensitive negotiation.

Having studied the route of the M40, I will acknowledge that it does have quite a few curvy bits, and that the high-speediness of the new service may well be compromised in some sections. There's one particularly vicious curve that's almost a right angle, where most drivers need to open their eyes and/or stop eating for at least two minutes as they struggle to keep the car more or less on the tarmac. This sudden diversion in the road was designed to protect some butterflies who would otherwise have been crushed, but it's quite possible that the butterflies have since flown away, meaning that this stretch could now be straightened.

Journey times between London and Birmingham may be reduced by bends in the line, but the delays can be countered by removing “station stops”. Passengers will be treated like mail freight: tossed into large hoppers hanging over the sides of bridges. No one really wants to go to places like Banbury or Bicester anyway, as they're full of lorries, so that will help.

The service can be further improved by removing Shakespeare tourists, who would otherwise need to be thrown out as the train passes Warwick. Given the huge investment made at Stratford station in east London – there are now three hundred platforms, direct links to every European capital and signs in Catalan – it makes sense to shift the Shakespeare industry down there. It's much nearer the Globe, and Harrods.

Finally, the big kitsch statue that greets international travellers at St Pancras sets the keynote for the kind of public art we'll want to see associated with the new high speed line. St Pancras has a couple kissing, so it would be fitting if Birmingham New Street was adorned with a couple breaking up. The man could be throwing the Simply Red CDs at the woman, for example. And the whole thing could be made of leaves.

Brand naming genius

2009-08-06T08:14:00.000-07:00

Brewers to the nation Molson Coors - or, as drinkers of a certain age might know them, Bass - are to launch a low-alcohol lager with a bottle size cunningly designed to contain exactly one unit of alcohol. They must be hoping that this gesture will further show their commitment to promoting "sensible drinking" among the lower orders. Why else would they be calling the new brew "C2"? According to the hallowed demographic classification defined by the National Readership Survey (NRS) on behalf of the newspaper industry, C2 means "skilled working class".

Spooked tuna juveniles

2009-02-16T06:56:00.000-08:00

Hooray!

If, like me, you've ever despaired at the dearth of stories featuring the phrase "spooked tuna juveniles", your Google-zero-hit-misery days are over! Oceanic Tuna Limited to the rescue!

Right, I'll put the exclamation marks box back now.

"Shooting Stars" at Surbiton

2008-12-11T07:32:00.000-08:00

I am nothing if not up-to-date - and therefore I seem to be nothing... Because here I am reviewing a movie that was made in 1927. Shooting Stars was co-directed by Anthony Asquith, the son of a prime minister who went on to make a long and honourable list of British films.

My affection for this silent dramedy is enhanced by the knowledge that it was made not far from my house in glamorous Surbiton, a corner of south west London these days known for, well, not for anything really. Shooting Stars is about a love triangle among three actors making films, and makes extensive use of the studios that used to exist on Park Road.

I didn't know this when I dialled it up at the bfi's wonderful (and free) Mediatheque facility one day last week. But as the film started I was surprised to see it credited to "British Instructional Films" of "Surbiton, Surrey", and then I got my Googling attachment out. I knew there'd been a studio nearby, but not that anything in the way of a classic had been made there.

The studio closed a few years after the making of Shooting Stars, though I don't know if it was demolished immediately. The larger site it stood on belonged to the grounds of Regent House, a mansion built in the late nineteenth century by the founder of London's Cafe Royal (which is on Regent Street).

In those days, Surbiton was in the countryside and the owner had his own deer park. After he sold up, or perhaps after he died, the Stoll company established a movie studio in the house's ballroom. The behind-the-scenes shots in Shooting Stars are clearly of a brick-built, hanger-style studio - double height, I should say. I'm sad enough to freeze-frame movies to look at the quality of the brickwork in the background, and I can report that the studio at Park Road didn't look like it was built to last.

The site where the house, grounds and studio used to lie is now covered in houses. But they're not all quite of the same age, and I have a feeling that the studio site may have been built over later than the rest. Some features of the boundary wall still survive, though these are not in great shape.

It would be fun to mobilise the homeowners on the site, equip them all with metal detectors, and see what we could find... Maybe a film can here, a prop medal there - I believe that various World War I dramas were shot amongst the shrubbery. We could get Time Team over... "Here, Tony! Look at this!"

And just think: if we had managed to retain the lido and the film studio, this part of the suburbs would really be quite something, wouldn't it?

The most-used line in Eastenders...

2008-12-09T07:25:00.000-08:00

... is: "Why aren't you in school?"

I haven't been keeping score, but I bet you all the money in the world (and all the debt) that this line has been used more times than any other in the entire history of the show.

A Store Too Far

2008-12-01T09:49:00.000-08:00

Every little hurts, as Saint Tesco said to the Tolworthians.

Bon Jovi at ninety

2008-06-25T06:41:00.000-07:00

There's going to be a big party to celebrate Jon Bon Jovi's ninetieth birthday! Come along to the free concert at Twix-en-ham, nr London this Friday, and show your support for the man who single-handedly freed the whole world from oppression - through his music.

Twin Cities

2007-09-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't you know it, but according to satirical weekly The Economist, one of the bin Ladens is building two cities in Yemen and Djibouti, with a 17 mile bridge linking them across the Red Sea.

This is an excellent idea. There are not nearly enough "twin cities" in the world. There is, of course, the very famous Banff-Macduff pairing in Scotland, and that one that ends in Saint Paul, somewhere in America.

It makes you wonder why people don't make things in pairs more often. Twin airports, for example, linked by a motorway (so that you wouldn't have to fly from one to the other). Or twin oceans, separated by a 17-mile landmass. Or even twin people: two babies born at (more or less) the same time. The possibilities are endless.

August

2007-08-23T02:10:00.001-07:00

To Edinburgh, where Lord Lucan's shark is awaiting its A-level results.

Faking Action Man

2007-07-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

I'm a little late with this observation, but it seems very appropriate that superchef Gordon Ramsay faked a catch that made him feel "like Action Man", since Action Man is entirely smooth where his genitalia ought to be. Action Man is lacking the meat and two veg that Ramsay likes to swing around the kitchen.

The Tesco Swingometer

2007-07-27T06:57:00.000-07:00

I do like those ads that Tesco publish, showing how many of their competitors' products are priced lower than theirs. If they'd also publish a list of what those products are, they'd be being even more helpful.

English word of the week: bowser

2007-07-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

Bowsers are being deployed in parts of flooded England. A bowser is, apparently, a water tanker, though it's not a word I can honestly say I have ever heard in polite conversation.

If pushed, I'd have assumed that a bowser was either a breed of dog, or something to do with Web 3.0 ("a wreb bowser").

Of course, given the flooding, there's plenty of water on the ground - it's just not drinkable. So they have to ferry (ha!) the clean stuff in.

Though the flooding has (briefly) troubled parts of London, it won't become real until there are salmon swimming in Bank Underground Station and old ladies being rescued from the roof of Television Centre.

I wish it would snow.

Geddit? : Sink estates

2007-07-24T07:21:00.000-07:00

The Lib Dem leader, Sir Menzies Campbell, said it was extraordinary not to reconsider development on flood plains, and Grant Shapps, shadow housing minister, accused Labour of building "the sink estates of tomorrow".
The Guardian, 24 July 2007.

You read it here first: Skunk Marketing

2007-07-23T08:12:00.000-07:00

I predict that "skunk" will be the next annoyingly would-be buzzalicious adjective to be leapt on by the terminally self-promotional.

There will undoubtedly be a book called Skunk Marketing, though I have no idea who its author will be. (Clue: not me.)

I expect we'll also see a movement labelled Skunk Filmmaking, and one called Skunk Programming. Skunk Rock seems inevitable too.

Drought

2007-07-23T04:14:00.000-07:00

Isn't it about time Pry Menacer Gordo Brown appointed a Minister for Drought? The government stands idly by while millions of Brits are rescued from their sofas while others are forced to boil dust.

Unless our political leaders do something to reduce the Carbolic Footprint, we will continue to experience extreme weather events while destroying the heritage of our children, and our children's children. We urgently need to secure water security for these fragile islands.

If you have any spare rain in your loft or basement, please take it to your nearest post office and mark it "Blue Peter Appeal". NB your nearest post office may be much further than you think, so take a Frusli bar with you.

Town Planning Insights (1): West End Westerlies

2007-07-20T00:44:00.000-07:00

"...the prevailing westerly wind in England, blowing the worst of smoke and stench eastwards, has ensured that the most salubrious part of any English city is always in the west."
- Clare Clark, reviewing Hubbub: Filth, noise and stench in England by Emily Cockayne, TLS, 13 July 2007.

The Engines of Necessity

2007-07-19T01:33:00.000-07:00

The engines of necessity are parked in the sidings of despair. The seven members of the maintenance team of fate have hung up the toolboxes of desire, and wept seven oceans of tears. All along the line, points freeze and grandmothers step. The reason of sleep comes knocking gently on the souls of your window. Do not let it in.

On a lighter note, I see that it's not raining this morning (yet).

Cliche Makeover: the shadow of a doubt

2007-07-17T02:07:00.000-07:00

The origins of this fine cliche have recently been unearthed in an archaeological dig near Lidchester, England. Kneeling trowel-fanciers hot on the trail of a medieval sewer that served the old cathedral stumbled across a limestone doubt that had been buried there during the War of the Hoses.

Measuring three feet by eight metres by two years, the doubt bears all the signs of having been entertained by several generations of Lidchester locals. Experts from the University of Environs have run a series of computerised tests which suggest that, at dawn on Midsummer's Day, the doubt would originally have cast a shadow two miles long pointing directly at the sea.

The summer solstice was the one day in the year when Early Man would "have a wobble" about the relationship between the sea and the land, which was otherwise believed to be stable, mature and imbued with mutual respect. Hence, at any other time, people were able to carry on their normal business convinced that they were completely right about everything. Or something.

Disappearing Words: Margarine

2007-07-16T04:07:00.000-07:00

According to the Margarine and Spreads Association, the name margarine comes from the Greek word margarites meaning "pearl". And yet margarine isn't made out of pearls - oh no! It's made out of fat.

We still consume, I imagine, around 18 tonnes of margarine per head every year, and a further 2 tonnes per foot. That's despite the raging success of spreadable products named after cries of disbelief. And yet it's very rarely that you hear the word "margarine" in your local cawfee shop. Nor does it crop up much in hi-level debate about the "special relationship" between the UK and the US.

"Margarine" appears only once in the works of Shakespeare:

Would that this margarine o'erleapt th'very bounds of reason;
Aye, there wouldst see a pretty coxcomb for a quivvering.
- Two Spots For A Picnick, or The Comedie Of Terrors (Virgin, 1599)

Disappearing Words: Mauve

2007-07-16T03:01:00.000-07:00

Mauve! What a useful word. But it's just not getting any play these days. Try asking for something mauve in Zara, and see where it gets you. Tell your SO that his/her aura is looking mauve today, and you'd better duck!

But mauve is still (arguably) where it's at. Or, at the very least, mauve is where it once might have been.

Try to work "mauve" into your conversation this week. Why not mauve-tivate your team members to use this handy colour word too? What do you mean, you haven't got any team members? Excuse me, I think I've just seen someone I know.

My favourite...

2007-07-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

...sub-surface transport system in London has got to be the Underground, or "choob". It's a must for anyone who wants to travel around this great city by subway. Ignore all imitations! If someone offers you one of those free underground transport systems, just ignore them.

Press Freedom

2007-07-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

Press freedom - and then stand well back! Sometimes the freedom button is connected to the annihilation circuit. This is due to a change in wiring colour standards. If you are in any doubt, ask a grown-up to do it for you.

Birdcalls of Melrose Ave

2007-07-09T14:24:00.000-07:00

Streep! Streep!
Swank!
Streeeeep! Streep streep streep!
Bradpitt. Bradpitt.

Film director to change name?

2007-07-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

Given the toy tie-in raison d'etre of his new Transformers movie, the director might want to consider changing his surname from Bay to eBay. That's where the cultural freight of this juggernaut will eventually wind up.

How to turn down a Bond movie

2006-08-16T03:09:00.000-07:00

"At the last minute, I looked over the edge of the cliff and got back into my Prius."

- Film director Roger Michell explaining how he turned down the next Bond film (#22), as reported in Screen International, 15 August 2006 (subscription required).

Rewrite:

"At the last minute, I floored the accelerator of my Aston Martin and sailed over the cliff."

Two movie kitchens to die for

2006-08-05T02:36:00.000-07:00

1: Check out the Smeg gear in The Hours. You'll need to block out Meryl Streep, who does a quantity of blubbing in front of the cabinets, but the design comes through well enough. Compare with Virginia Woolf's ropey old kitchen in the same movie. No wonder she got depressed.

2: Daniel Auteuil also succumbs to a flood of tears in his nicely appointed galley-style kitchen in Hidden (Cache). The action on the under-counter fridge door looks like it could use a little attention. But, strangely, none of the characters in the film mentions this. That's just one of the many conundra in this intriguing fillum, soon to be remade with Al Pacino and Meryl Streep.

Latest Hollywood Remakes

2006-08-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

New versions of several classic movies have been announced by metaproduction company Stasis. The films are being sponsored by commercial organisations and each will feature prominent product placements.

The full slate is:

Silence of the Lamps
Snickers Man
The No Study Required Graduate
Retailers of the Lost Ark
Five Easy PCs
The Usual Specs
Clothes Encounters of the Third Kind
Serpicola

Virtual Samosas

2006-08-01T04:50:00.000-07:00

They're tasty, they're crunchy, they're spicey - they're the finger-food you can eat even if you haven't got any fingers (because, for example, you have already eaten them).

Virtual Samosas are made from 100% organic bits. The angles of each tastetastic triangle have been certified to add up to 180 degrees.

Virtual Samosas are now available wherever you see this invisible sign:

Alter Ego Surfing

2006-07-29T03:01:00.000-07:00

"Recent crime rate statistics that indicate a 6.6 percent increase in the crime rate in Okeechobee County also has caused Sheriff Paul May’s blood pressure to go up."

Okeechobee News, 23 July 2006

Technobile

2006-07-27T03:55:00.000-07:00

My paranoia about proximity detectors is here.

Dream Product Pitch

2006-07-24T06:55:00.000-07:00

"It's motivation - in a bottle."

My phone was an extra in...

2006-07-22T09:21:00.000-07:00

... Taggart (July 7th or 14th, I forget which). I can't remember anything about the plot. Taggart is a very talky show, isn't it? They're always blathering.

... The Beat That My Heart Skipped (De battre mon coeur s'est arrêté). Unlikely pianist with implausible friends.

Star Secrets: Brad Pitt

2006-07-21T03:13:00.000-07:00

Brad Pitt saves the saline solution that comes with disposable contact lenses and returns it to the ocean. It's the star's way of countering the lowering of sea levels associated with global warming.

He's also been known to good-naturedly bully fellow actors into donating their own saline solution - and even tears - to the project. Pitt insists that a distinctive plastic water butt is placed outside his trailer on set, so that cast and crew can donate their brine.

Meanwhile Pitt's Ocean's Whatever screenmate George Clooney is telling everyone who'll listen that Brad's barking up the wrong tree. According to Clooney, sea levels will rise as climate change melts the polar ice caps.

Clooney has told close associates that Pitt has miscalculated the effects of evaporation and failed to appreciate the totality of the water cycle.

Brad Pitt was not available for comment.

Fruit Fries

2006-07-20T01:39:00.000-07:00

Fruit Fries - the delicious new snack everyone is talking about... with their mouths full! Full of the crunchy, nutricious, golden-fried fruit pieces that everyone is talking about.

Fruit Fries are available in three handy take-anywhere pouches: small, tiny and microscopic.

Try a bag today! Try another bag tomorrow. Just keep trying them. (It helps if you keep your hand over your mouth.)

Nutritional Information: Fruit Fries do not contain fruit. Ingredients: water, dust, wild starch. Not recommended as part of a human diet.

Who Is The World's Largest Sheriff?

2006-07-19T02:32:00.000-07:00

The big news in the world of electronic canned meat is the junkworld debut of the World's Largest Sheriff. The so-far anonymous gargantuan law-maker has wires abuzz around the globe.

Theories are starting to emerge as to his - or her - identity. Some "internetters" believe the star in question is pinned to the chest of none other than Quentile Scarmover, previously the world's largest caretaker at Pittsburgh Seaworld. Others maintain that the giant sherriff is actually a newly formed volcano.

According to her - or his - agent, the World's Largest Sheriff is considering several offers for the rights to her - oh, alright, his - life story.

Misheard at Waterloo

2006-07-16T05:45:00.000-07:00

"Passengers are reminded that bison may not be carried on this service."

Put your kgwonlee to good use

2006-07-14T07:09:00.000-07:00

"Deerges Baesd On Yuor Kgwonlee", promises an exciting new email...

Assuming I've got some kgwonlee - and I'll need to check the cupboards - I'm not sure I really need any more deerges. The last litter of deerges I had became infested with mites and I had to burn them all, then flush the ash down the lav.

Three more tracks from my fantasy remix album

2006-07-12T02:14:00.000-07:00

4: Disastermovie - All One Word

5: Type A Horse - Garden Killing Tree Hugger

6: The Scallops - Out Of My Box

The Pedspeed

2006-07-11T03:15:00.000-07:00

Why hasn't it caught on?

Cheap Flights Bonanza

2006-07-10T04:01:00.000-07:00

Paper Planes
Originally uploaded by pilchard77.

Planes stacked up in the smog-heavy skies over Heathrow this morning.

Modern Mottoes: War Chic

2006-07-08T02:33:00.000-07:00

Dolce et Gabbana pro patria mori.

Technobile

2006-07-06T01:48:00.000-07:00

I take my revenge on all the inkjet printers in my grubby past here.

Small Intestine Investor

2006-07-04T07:28:00.000-07:00

The latest edition of Small Intestine Investor magazine (sadly not available on any web) has a fascinating article about stocks in spamming companies.

Not only are savvy investors piling into companies that send out emails telling people to invest in penny stocks, there are even new portfolio investment vehicles that let you take a position in "the spam of the spam".

This one really is a winer.

Next month Small Intestine Investor announces the recipient of its annual "Canned Meat Festival" award, rumored to be going to the team of junk mail junkies responsible for last winter's classic "This o\/er the counter sock is undre my radar NAME HERE" missive.

Line for found poem

2006-07-03T03:42:00.000-07:00

With one hand they cover up the sky.

from China (BBC2)

World Cup Live Scones

2006-06-30T06:57:00.000-07:00

Have you enjoyed getting live scones from the World Cup direct to your desktop PC, mobile phone or set-top fish tank?

If so, you may want to sign up for our new online Wimbledon strawberries! These delicious e-strawberries will be available for download soon.

Pity Mr Sprüngli

2006-06-29T08:54:00.000-07:00

The wonder chocolate known universally as Lindt is, to be strictly accurate, actually made by Lindt & Sprüngli. So who was Mr Sprüngli?

It seems that Rudolf Sprüngli got into the choc business first in Zurich, his family later taking over the factory of Rodolphe Lindt in Berne. (There was a later bust-up, with an illegal Lindt company trading on its own until it was "liquidated" in 1928.) But hey - you can catch up with the rest of Lindt's history at its informative website. Key quotes include:

"Between 1920 and 1945 the firm had to face almost unimaginable challenges"

"After the war, demand exploded first within the home market and later abroad"

and

"Due to the meteoric growth of the Lindt Group of companies, the Group’s structure was redesigned and a Kilchberg-based holding company was formed in 1994 whereby all the companies became wholly-owned subsidiaries of 'Chocoladefabriken Lindt & Sprüngli AG'. The former parent and manufactoring company in Kilchberg thus was renamed 'Chocoladefabriken Lindt & Sprüngli (Schweiz) AG'"

Interestingly, Rudolf-with-an-eff was clean-shaven, while Rudolphe-with-a-pee-aitch had a moustache.

Job Ad Jargon

2006-06-28T03:55:00.000-07:00

Here's the first part of my handy guide to job ad jargon. I hope you find it useful!

"You are a highly motivated self-starter": We have no idea what this role entails.

"£ NEG": Negligible payment

"Must have XML/UML": ... and believe that they are the same thing.

"Some travel required": We have no offices.

"A fantastic opportunity to move to the next level": ...downwards.

Goodbye, Long Falcon

2006-06-25T18:08:00.000-07:00

Synopsis:

Private detective Bertie Simms is hired to drop a small rock from the roof of the Bradbury building. When it lands on the head of LAPD commissioner Prescott Lamplighter, Simms realizes he has been framed for the murder of Gnat "Gnegligible" Smolfins, a suburban hoodlum who controls the olive oil supply from the Owens Valley. On the run from the cops, the feds and the fops, Simms seeks refuge in a Santa Monica church. There he discovers a Nazi-backed plot to drill into the sea bed beneath the pier, drain the ocean and sell the new real estate to people from the mid-west.

Interstitial Power

2006-06-23T03:35:00.000-07:00

Scientists have discovered a means of harnessing the power latent in interstitial ads - the blink-and-you-miss-'em commercials that savvy website operators use to snare twenty-first century eyeballs.

Each blipvert releases a tiny amount of energy that is usually lost to the environment, thus contributing to global warming. But by inserting a tiny gold wire in each web page, and linking the wires up to a sophisticated global network, scientists at MIT have managed to aggregate the wasted power and direct it to the benefit of human kind.

A public demonstration of the new technology showed 98 million separate "browsing instantiations" generating a respectable 1.2 volts for a duration of eight seconds, and lighting a small flashlight bulb.

The latest subliminal ads for a well-known restaurant chain are the first commercials to come pre-laced with the energy-collecting wires. It's claimed the new worldwide "I'm shovin' it" campaign will directly offset the environmental impact of 17 trillion fries.

The Uninflected Rage of Davina Belpaese

2006-06-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

A new print of Wim Flinsky's arthouse classic was unveiled today at the prestigious Balhambra cinemateque in south London.

The new print was made possible by a cash injection from the UK National Lottery, with matching funds supplied by EuroKultur.

Film buffs are now launching a new appeal, aimed at raising enough to thread the new print onto the Balhambra's projector.

Mr Thoughtful

2006-06-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

International Trusted Rug Convention Signed

2006-06-21T05:02:00.000-07:00

Leaders of the free world met in Geneva today to ratify the Convention on Trusted Rugs following five years of often bitter acrimony, horsetrading and deceit.

The convention ensures that, for the first time in history, every rug woven in any of the signatory countries is produced without recourse to violence.

A new logo was also unveiled. Rug users will be able to check qualifying floorcoverings for the distinctive "bee and nut" logo before finalising their purchase transactions.

The world leaders, assembled for the traditional end-of-conference group karaoke session, refused to comment on rumors that non-compliant rugs will now be withdrawn from all horizontal surfaces found to be harboring them.

"We will not be pulling any rugs," said Fredonian premier Tony Blair. "We'd have to raise tacks first."

Nanagement

2006-06-20T03:44:00.000-07:00

A new, softer and more caring approach to management is quickly gaining ground amongst alternative business gurus. Owing more to family favorite Nanny McPhee than traditional business thinkers such as Pad Mai Fee, the fresh science of nanagement promises to raise productivity and put a smile back on the teary faces of today's information workers.

Nanagement practitioners work one-on-one with employees to help them reach the so-called "nanny state" - a blissed-out yet totally focused "zone" of "natural effectiveness" and "quotation marks". Trainees learn how to trigger the state themselves, using simple everyday objects such as blankets and rice pudding.

Studies emerging from a poorly lagged thinktank suggest that nanagement may be more effective in alleviating unhappiness, uncertainty and boredom than more mainstream solutions such as medication, cognitive behavioral therapy and threats.

However, not everyone is convinced at the rise and rise of nanagement. A school of dissidents calling themselves "Theory Eggs Over Why" are pushing an alternative approach known simply as nagging.

"We find that nagging is just as effective as nannying in controlled tests," said a spokesperson for the group. "Our new, lightweight, n-agile (TM) method makes nagging accessible to everyone who wants to give it a whirl in the workplace."

Meanwhile, holistic consultants are working on a high-level portable synthesis of the competing methods, currently dubbed no-no-nano-nagile-nanagement.

Pathe-tique

2006-06-19T01:32:00.000-07:00

Can't Pathe - a company with an illustrious history - come up with anything better than its current ident? It looks like it's made out of cardboard and wire coat hangers. No expense spent, and all that.

Alternative Headline Generation Exercise

2006-06-16T06:13:00.000-07:00

First, this wonderful story of a food technology breakthrough, with the title bestowed by Political Gateway. Then, we'll see if we can come up with any alternative headlines...

==

Lawn-mowing accident leads to new pizza

DES MOINES, Iowa, June 13 (UPI) -- In a strange turn of events, a Des Moines, Iowa, radio personality reportedly has invented no-dough pizzas, an idea spawned from a lawn-mowing accident.

The Des Moines Register said WHO's Van Harden came up with the idea of making his pizza crusts from a cheese base after losing his desire for bread.

Two years ago, Harden got one of his feet stuck in a lawn mower and after his hospital stay he found himself without an appetite for bread, the newspaper said.

The Register said Harden's change in appetite may somehow have been due to difficulties doctors ran into when attempting to wake him from anesthesia after his surgery.
"The doctors can't explain it," Harden told the Register.

Two Hy-Vee stores in Des Moines sold 221 of his new pizzas with their cheese-based crust over the weekend, with the product soon making its way into a dozen other Iowa stores.

The 12-inch pies cost $8 apiece and have been described as perfect for individuals who are gluten intolerant or on Atkins diets, the Register said.

Political Gateway's "Jockstrip" column, 14 June 2006.

==

Suggested alternatives:

Des Moines Man Loses Desire

Link Between Lawnmower Accidents And Innovation Proven

Doctors Puzzle Over Post Traumatic Dough Aversion

"Radio Personality" Syndrome Untreatable Say Iowa Doctors

...actually, the possibilities are endless.

The Crook-eating Car

2006-06-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

"Within the next month, Prince George’s police plan to start using 'bait cars' — ordinary-looking vehicles that entice thieves to break in and then hold them captive inside."
The Gazette, Maryland, 25 May 2006

My advice to would-be car thieves is to look carefully through the driver's side window. Is there a great big shiny hook sticking up through the upholstery? Then maybe you want to think about moving on.

Big Idea: SpareChangeSat

2006-06-14T02:57:00.000-07:00

Human beings in western nations each drop an average of two pennies on the ground every day of the year. But only 50% of people stoop to pick up their fallen change. That means that in the UK alone, some sixty million pence, or £600,000, is lost to the nation's gutters every twenty four hours. To put that in perspective, it's enough to fund three hospital beds (with sheets) or one royal yacht (without sheets).

Most of the world's lost change remains inaccessible to even the most modern technology. Global companies with the engineering muscle to find oil in the unlikeliest places are defeated by the change exploitation problem, throwing their hands up in defeat and avoiding direct eye contact.

That's where SpareChangeSat comes in. A network of satellites engirdling the globe use pin-sharp optical imaging and shape recognition algorithms to spot coins on the surface of the earth, "tag" them, and alert subscribers to their locations. For a small annual fee (which works out at about £5 per day), customers can receive text messages to their mobile phones telling them where the nearest penny is to be found. It's then a question of "first come, first served".

The company behind SpareChangeSat, Sequinator Industries of Lidchester, UK, has vowed to donate a proportion of operating profits to the funding of a gigantic polysterene cup to be placed at the mouth of the Thames. This monument to inward investment is intended to show a more flexible attitude to European business, balancing the much-loved Land's End "Open Legs" statue facing America.

Google Buys Famed London Street

2006-06-13T05:32:00.000-07:00

The web's premier search engine - and world's grooviest brand - today announced its long-awaited transition to the physical world with the purchase of a street in central London. Goodge Street will be renamed Google Street in a typically low-key ceremony on July 1st.

"Goodge already contains 83 per cent of the letters it needs to become Google," said a company spokesperson. "We share so much DNA with Goodge Street that it's hard not to believe we are already related somewhere along the line."

Commentators are confused about the search king's surprise move, citing "poor fit" between the online behemoth's world-straddling operations and the west end artery. But storeowners along the popular boulevard are already equipping their windows with hyperlinks ahead of the formal rebranding.

"This shows that London is a truly global city that exists in cyberspace as well as in my mind," said mayor Ken Livingstone.

Rumors that eBay is poised to buy the nearby British Museum were dismissed by company officers today. "We already own all the world's oceans," said a spokesperson, "and we're still digesting them."

How Quotations Evolve

2006-06-12T04:09:00.000-07:00

I would say to Radio 1, “Do you realise some of the stuff you play on Saturday nights encourages people to carry guns and knives?”
- David "Dave" Cameron, Conservative Party leader, June 2006.

I would say to Radio 1, “Do you realise some of the tracks you air on Saturday nights encourage people to wear platform soles?”
- Edward "Ted" Heath, Conservative Party leader, May 1974

I would say to the Light Programme, “Do you realise some of the tunes played by your bands on Saturday nights encourage people to believe in a future of unrestrained consumerism, at a time when all our sinews are required in the rebuilding of our once great country?"
- Anthony "Tone-Def" Eden, Conservative Party leader, January 1956

I think your new semaphore service is the best thing since the Corn Laws. Well done, that man!
- Robert "Copper" Peel, Conservative Party leader, November 1836

Met Police Beatles Tribute Band Organise "Abbey Road" Event

2006-06-09T06:24:00.000-07:00

Only one person shot.

The Damp Squid...

2006-06-08T06:12:00.000-07:00

...is our latest loveable character concept especially crafted for kids from age zero to one hundred. Everyone who encounters him falls in love with his curmudgeonly wisdom and wet-look skin.

The Damp Squid's launch adventure sees him helping a swimmer in difficulties while learning about "peak oil" from a passing geologist. Charming illustrations - rendered in authentic squid ink - make the story one to treasure.

This perfect-bound, print-on-demand, straight-to-bargain-bin classic is now available at your nearest recycling centre.

Big Idea: Toast of the Town

2006-06-06T05:10:00.000-07:00

This is the take-out restaurant format that's set to revolutionise the world of portable grilled meal solutions. And you can be a part of it.

The concept is: toast. White toast, brown toast, toast with hen's feet. Buttered toast. Toast with eight types of jam, toast with eight types of honey, toast with eight types of marmalade.

Skinny toast. Toast with crusts on the side. Toast with tea. (There's no coffee. Frankly, the world is awash with coffee.)

If you're British, you live on toast. If you could have a toaster on your desk at work, you'd have one. (Perhaps you do? Crumbs.)

But there's nowhere you can get a quick slice on the hoof. Until now! Until legions of entrepreneurs sign up as franchisees of Toast of the Town and spread our crunchy revolution across the world.

What you get for your initial £5,000 investment:

- a four-slot Dualit toaster
- 600 loaves of sliced bread (mixed varieties)
- a stylish Toast of the Town window decal
- complementary admission to our annual Intervention Butter Mountain indoor ski day (bring the kids! And a butter knife.)

Money Saving Tip

2006-06-04T05:10:00.000-07:00

Catch one of the foxes living under your shed and make it into soap. If your neighbours have lavender growing in their garden, this can be used to scent the soap. Best to do all of this while the kids are at school and not on a day when the social workers are visiting.

Big Idea: Happy Meals for Adults

2006-06-02T03:18:00.000-07:00

Why should kids have all the fun? Savvy restaurants with a real passion for customer service and a commitment to "eye-poppin valu" are starting to develop meal ranges that pack more than just a calorific punch. Don't be surprised if the next time you order up your favorite meal option, a little plastic Bill Murray figurine, looking a little pissed off, drops in your lap.

2003 arthouse smash Lost In Translation is the first entertainment property to inspire a happy-meal-type tie-in at British chain restaurant Wee Chef. The movie, which follows the hilarious adventures of a mismatched American couple in Tokyo, is highly regarded by the coveted ABC1 demographic who traditionally feel excluded from the Wee Chef offer.

The new LIT meal is being tested in the Spalding, Trowbridge and Kendal areas over the next three months. Early signs are that the idea is striking a chord with upscale buyers, who are being drawn to Wee Chef outlets by the lifesize cardboard cut-outs of Scarlett Johanson's lower lip.

Big Idea: The Grand Metropolitan Sun Pipe

2006-05-28T03:35:00.000-07:00

The sun pipe is the modern version of the skylight. It's basically a tube with a mirrored inside surface. You poke one end through the roof and the other end through a ceiling. The ceiling end has a diffuser on it. As the tube is flexible, you can now bring daylight into an area that has no direct access to the sun.

But the sun pipe people need to think big. We really need one over London. Something a couple of miles wide, moored to (say) the Gherkin, would provide guaranteed, full-spectrum daylight to the City, Docklands and much of the West End. It would of course need to be quite a tall pipe, in order to break through the cloud cover.

I'm not entirely sure what effect the Grand Metropolitan Sun Pipe would have on local weather conditions. I imagine that clouds cosying up to the exterior surface of the pipe might well turn to moisture, creating a near-constant run-off down the structure. This valuable resource could be harvested at the base, or even bottled and sold to gullible tourists.

Is this the great engineering project we're looking for, now that the Channel Tunnel is such a rip-snorting success, our high-speed trains thread the countryside and our new generation of NHS IT systems is revolutionising healthcare? Yes! Obviously.

Truncated Quotes

2006-05-26T02:58:00.000-07:00

Those who cannot remember the past are conned.
- George Santa

Truncated Quotes

2006-05-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

Nothing succeeds like suck.
- Alexandre Dum

Truncated Quotes

2006-05-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

Beauty is in the eye of the bee.
- Plat

Spamoem

2006-05-20T03:36:00.000-07:00

up. Maybe
we'll have to shoot it out
with the patrol guards.
However, unconscious
on the sidewalk
and Redrick chased
the other three
for four white bouncing lips
and his green-smeared sweaty cheek.
Then the lightning

Three Tracks From My Fantasy Remix Album

2006-05-17T12:47:00.000-07:00

1: John Essential - Flame-Fitted Moth

2: Acrylic Carrier - You Are My Clonus

3: Fixamatosis - How Much Did They Pay You, Steven

Definition of "meme"

2006-05-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes erroneously attributed to author Richard Dawkins, the word "meme" is actually a simple concatenation of "me-me".

The term is used to describe how ideas are spread on the web largely by people who have very little to say, but crave attention.

The ideas in this blog are a key example.

Valuable Life Lesson

2005-10-27T09:46:00.000-07:00

Peter Riotis packed two chickens, beef round and strip loin, ground beef and corned beef hash into his stepchildren's Spiderman and princess book bags.

He grabbed coffee creamer, too, mozzarella and string cheese, American cheese singles, a $2 football and other items -- more than $90 worth of goods. Then the 6-year-old boy and two girls, ages 10 and 12, carried the bags full of food outside.

But, according to Pasco County Sheriff's Office investigators, Riotis and the children weren't shopping at the Save-A-Lot grocery, 12060 U.S. 19, on Friday. Riotis was stealing.
[...]
"When I got caught, I told them, 'See what happens. It's not right to steal,' " Riotis said.

The Tampa Tribune, 23 Oct 2005.

Who needs water or power?

2005-10-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

AmericanFlags.com Will Replace Weather-Beaten Flags for Free

HUNTINGTON, N.Y., Oct. 27, 2005 -- In the wake of Hurricane Wilma, AmericanFlags.com announced today that it will immediately begin distributing free American Flags to those whose flags were damaged during this autumn's inclement weather. The U.S. flags to be given away by AmericanFlags.com measure 3 feet by 5 feet and generally retail on the website for $19.99, plus shipping and handling. Up to 100,000 customers will get these flags for free and pay only for shipping and handling. AmericanFlags.com ran a similar giveaway earlier this year to mark July 4th and distributed more than 100,000 free flags nationwide.

"The American Flag is perhaps our greatest symbol of perseverance and an unbreakable spirit of resolve," said AmericanFlags.com President/CEO Jeffrey Reynolds. "As the residents of Florida and other weather-battered areas begin clean-up efforts and retire their tattered flags, we want to make sure that they are replaced with clean, new flags that properly reflect that spirit." AmericanFlags.com is the world's largest retailer of U.S. flags and flagpoles, supplying American-made products to corporations, schools, military bases and consumers worldwide. AmericanFlags.com is owned and operated by Precision Marketing Solutions, Inc., a privately-held corporation based in New York. Visitors can claim their free flags by visiting http://www.americanflags.com/.

Great Moments in Customer Service #94

2005-09-29T01:38:00.000-07:00

Us: Hi! How are you?

Floor-layer: We're here, aren't we?

The Authentic Sound of British Protest

2005-07-28T01:20:00.000-07:00

To shouts of "take your hands off him" and "it's an absolute disgrace" from the audience, he was lifted by security guards and carried out.

The Guardian, 28 July 2005.

2005-07-20T05:14:00.000-07:00

After Odell James Rhodes allegedly fled from a stolen vehicle, police say they found several components used in manufacturing methamphetamine in the car along with a few slices of pizza. "It was a barbecue pizza with Canadian bacon and extra cheese," Officer C. B. Caya of the Johnson Police Department said.

Northwest Arkansas Times, 29 June 2005.

2005-06-19T22:40:00.000-07:00

Has anyone done the joke about the fan hitting the Sith? Oh.